Caroline's Wild Lesbian Adventure. (Sort Of...)

Lindsay Parrotta (Alexxxis) and Ann Turiano (Caroline) teach California how to party...
This is the part of the show where we hand the reins to Ann Turiano, aka Caroline on STBD. She and Lindsay Parrotta (aka Alexxxis) spent the weekend in Palm Springs at the Dinah Shore charity event. There, they were among 8 groups of finalists competing in a live "re-enactment" competition of scenes from the Showtime hit The L Word.

On the line? A visit to the set of The L Word in LA or Vancouver and a chance to schmooze with the stars of the show. Equally intriguing? Spending your first trip to California with Lindsay Parrotta, who's clearly a rock star in training...

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Landing in the Palm Springs airport is a little like flying into Disneyland. The place is not an airport so much as it is a patio, with the open desert air and view of palm trees greeting you as you leave your gate.

Traveling with Lindsay is a little like traveling with a very sexy good luck charm. We get pushed to the faster lines in security. We make our connecting flight with seconds to spare--after a barefoot sprint through the Minneapolis airport. She drinks three gin and tonics on our morning flight, and our luggage miraculously makes it with us on the plane we almost missed.

It was destined to be a good weekend.

So here we were at the Dinah Shore weekend, surrounded by thousands of lesbians. Well, not really surrounded yet. First we were off to check into our resort hotel, admire the real live Mexican gardeners (!), and walk to the nearby mountain.

After much sunning and swimming, we were off to our first Dinah Shore weekend event, a party at Oasis. (But first a late evening trip to IHop. Indeed, we are classy.) I'm dressed like a skank, but paranoid that I look too traditionally girly. In line to get in, we see the the first of many charter busloads of eager women; I'm in over my head.

Negotiating this social experiment is a daunting task. We stood off to the side for the better part of an hour, gauging the situation and what we should do about it. One thing about lesbians, though--they put on a good party. Always complete with hot go-go dancers.


I feel like they can smell my straightness. I have no idea who wants to be my friend and who wants to fuck me, or both...It's a strange new world to encounter.

The next day we relaxed poolside at the Doral Pool Party. Random male hotel guests peered down from their balconies, looks of wonder and joy on their faces as they observed the pussy party down below. Gotta love it.

Next was Thai food with Dusty, a cute airline mechanic from Tucson. You can see a picture of her boobs, along with all the other photos from the weekend, here.

She really dug Lindsay, and was nice enough to let me tag along. Being in an exclusive (male) relationship sort of limited my options, but hey... Her friends were a prime example of the beautiful hedonism of the weekend. The first time I met them was when we opened the door to their hotel (which they had trashed the night before) and they were bouncing around naked, yelling that they had just fucked. I love it.

So, Thai food, and a visit to one of surprisingly few bars in Downtown Palm Springs. It's far too chill and relaxed to be a party place. Anyway, we ended up dancing to a great cheesy house band while Gary, the World's Awkwardest White Man, and his protege , Leo embarrassed themselves by trying to dance. [Editor's Note: This generally applies to all men, so Gary and Leo should not feel ashamed...]

Lindsay got yelled at for dancing with her drink in her hand and for taking off her shoes. We ended up down the street, ducking into a Karaoke bar where LP used me as a live prop for her intoxicated rendition of Prince's "Darling Nikki."

Saturday was the day of the competition, where we finally started to panic and actually rehearsed our scene. Talk about nerve-wracking: we get there and are forced to stand around in the green room for two hours. Once the celebs peek in, we know it's for real: Ilene Chaiken, Kate Moennig, Leisha Hailey, Jane Lynch (slightly less intimidating, since we had sat next to her at Starbucks that morning while she described her asthma to an elderly couple who had no earthly idea that she's a star). LP is practically crying from seeing Kate (even hotter in person).


We're one of 8 groups, and somehow get the raw deal of performing 2nd overall. The judges table is onstage, and when you look out downstage there are 1,200 screaming women. So we're miked (with mine sliding around uncomfortably as it is clipped to my flimsy thing underwear), and before we know it we're onstage. We do our scene, "Alice and Dana in the Bathroom". We look hot, feel hot, and the kiss at the end of the scene is even hotter. It was something we waited purposely to rehearse; when we finally did it, it lasted a good loooooooooong while. The MC (Alexandra Hedison) asks how that felt, and LP reveals that she's been waiting 3 years to kiss me (we went to Point Park University together). What a great way to do it.

We're jazzed. And we get great feedback, the judges telling us how cute we look, how committed we were. High scores, too.

Unfortunately, not high enough. They pull out the 10s later on, for a silly version of a scene with New York accents, and a cutesy recast of main (femme) roles with butch girls. So we end up in 3rd place. A huge disappointment, all things considered. Afterwards, Jane even told us she wished we would have gone later as it would have changed things, AND she complemented our subtext. Booya.

LP took a turn around the catwalk as our consolation prize of sorts. She had also lost her cell phone, so we taxied across town to pick it up. Later that evening was the big party, super extravagant...but I was pretty much all lesbianed out. We met back up with Kellie, a sweet and very funny filmmaker with a raging crush on LP (get in line).

Home the next day to rainy Pittsburgh, but I kind of have a tan, which is a coup for me. I only kissed one girl, but at least I made it count. ;)